polemical poetry to prickle the politics of "permanent austerity"
thistles stretch their prickly arms afar
Once the rich odour emerged it was noteworthy how short a time it took
to uncover illicit mushroom-cultivation. No senior humus-shoveller
was implicated. It was in March that we understood that Compostation plc
should have been cognisant of fungus-quotas although no law was broken and
there is no question of the forager footing the bill. As for the leaked -
illegally as it turns out - celebratory emails, they were different:
Forest-Floor had a penchant for turtle’s eggs; Scarlet Hood
promised themselves steak and sushi. Only as late as November,
Morels were laughing. Their Head of Spores can count himself unfortunate
to be let go, he serves at the pleasure of those who appointed him and had no direct
involvement in a salary of 750,000 Horn O’ Plenties. All his bosses are happy
and effected a strong defence of their mould-room growths. The Fungal Risk
Committee was split in two in late 2009; it was structured as a safeguard
for leaky trugs and was not totally invisible when a rogue truffler
was rampant in 2012 and justifiably did nothing when Shitake failed
to declare their Slippery Jack percentages - and leafwatch.com were also silent.
The Fairy Ring Standards Commission, The Parliamentary Committee
for Shaggy Ink Caps, The Serious Puffball Office, The Chanterelles
of England Regulation Authority, The Chancellor of the Giant Funnel,
The Manure Submissions Tsar and Compassion in Meadow Growth
were all consulted. It’s in the nature of their roles that they must
operate in darkness, so it’s unreasonable to ask them to shine a torch
- however dim - on the spread of the Red-Banded Polypore.
Josh Ekroy's collection, Ways To Build A Roadblock, is published by Nine Arches Press. His poems appear in Magma, Ink Sweat & Tears, Lost Voices (Liquorice Fish) and many others.
The Badger Cull Cookbook
100 delicious badger recipes
brought to you by our team of expert chefs
from the ecologically managed woodlands
of royal Gloucestershire and sun-kissed Somerset.
Have fun creating mouth-watering sauces
to enhance that unique, gamey
flavour. Our highly qualified panel of nutritionists
show how to ensure the animals are absolutely free
of tubercules. Serving suggestions include:
badger steaks in stripy sauce; leg of badger in peanut butter;
consomme for that quick snack
made from pre-packed badger soup cubes -
simply add boiling water, stir, and serve with croutons.
And the No.1 favourite: spicy ’n tender badger-cub goulash
with thick dairy cream. Our specially developed
safe method of gun-shot extraction from all meat-fibres
means you can enjoy your badger cuts
with a quiet mind. And for the more adventurous,
badger bladder is suggested for our unique haggis.
Remember: we never recommend using meat from badgers
that have been gassed, (even though the majority
of gassed badgers are thought to be safe to eat by experts)
so only our recipes are free from cyanide. And don’t forget:
there are even some fabulous ways of enhancing
your kitchen with our oven gloves
lined with 100% heat-proof de luxe badger fur,
a must-have for any self-respecting gastronome
and completely free with five or more copies ordered.